Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware,
that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe
this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the
people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the
Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You
get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We
get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens
back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your
evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to
their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not
willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines,
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal
Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected
health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100
percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent
say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was
involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico
Peace out,
Blue States
Jesse Conn
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